I'm Barely Breathing
by insaneantics21
Summary: Rachel constantly thought about how she ended up where she was.


**Author's Note: **Quinn kept Beth.

* * *

Rachel constantly thought about how she ended up where she was. It was 2018 and when people asked her how she didn't get out of Lima she simply shrugged. The shrug was a lie. She knew exactly how she ended up where she was. She knew how she ended up in Lima, Ohio in a two bedroom apartment with her girlfriend and her eight-year-old pseudo-daughter, Beth. She knew how she ended up with a practically worthless degree in theater from OSU-Lima and how she ended up with two jobs, one as a hospital receptionist and the other giving voice lessons. She knew how Quinn ended up with an associate's degree in business which got her as far as assistant manager at Wal-Mart.

The brunette lay awake at night with Quinn's arms wrapped possessively around her thinking about it all. Every single night. Well, the nights she came home. The nights she didn't come home her focus was elsewhere thanks to mind altering substances. But she did eventually come home to the two blondes that were the most familiar.

xxxxxx

It started their junior year. Rachel and Quinn got closer and both girls acknowledged that they had feelings for each other and so it happened. They started dating and became mutually exclusive and it was perfect all throughout junior year; Quinn moved into the Berry house with Beth over the summer. Their summer was amazing as were the first few months of their senior year. It was great until Rachel started filling out college applications.

"Quinn, did you send off your applications? The postmark deadlines are all within the next thirteen days. Don't forget that our first choice is New York. You should get your applications to NYU and Columbia sent off as quickly as possible."

Quinn gave a half-hearted smile. "I have time."

It was the same response every time Rachel asked over the next week. "I have time" eventually didn't suffice.

"Quinn, if you don't want to go to a large university there are several other colleges in the area. I'm sure we could find one more suitable to your needs. I understand you not wanting to leave Beth for long periods of time during the day. We'll find something for you, sweetie, don't worry." Rachel smiled and pressed a kiss to her girlfriend's cheek.

"Maybe," Quinn sighed. "You love me, don't you?"

"Of course I love you, Quinn. I just need to know of your educational decisions so I may alter my life storyboard."

"I love you, too."

It had been like that a lot, Quinn constantly asking for reassurance that Rachel loved her. The brunette didn't mind, she was always happy to express her affections for the blonde. She did love Quinn and she knew Quinn had lost almost everyone in her life that ever cared about her and Rachel was determined not to be another letdown. She would stand by Quinn for as long as the blonde would have her.

Winter passed, Rachel tried not to bother Quinn about her college applications but the blonde hadn't said another word about them. Rachel's acceptance letter for NYU came and she was ecstatic. Quinn, on the other hand, looked at the letter with frustration.

"I don't think New York is right for us," she said. "Beth wouldn't like it. It's too loud and abrasive; I don't want my daughter growing up in that."

And because Rachel loved her girlfriend and Quinn said she loved Rachel, the brunette threw away the letter and waited for other responses.

"There's always Chicago," Rachel said, a bright smile to hide her disappointment. "There are several museums and I've heard it's rather friendly. I'm sure we could find the right educational establishment for you."

Quinn simply nodded. "Yeah."

"If you don't want to enter the world of higher education right away that's alright, Quinn. We'll work something out."

Rachel re-arranged her storyboard to give Quinn a year off while they lived in Chicago. Quinn had been through a lot and she deserved a little break, Rachel reasoned. She loved her girlfriend. When Rachel's letter from Northwestern came, Quinn shook her head.

"Chicago is too dull."

Rachel sighed. "You're right. We'll just…we'll wait to hear from UCLA."  
She re-arranged her storyboard again that night to figure out living expenses and schedules in California.

"Los Angeles will be more fun," Rachel said as she tacked a picture of a beach on the board. "Beth will love the warm weather and beaches. There are more opportunities for me as a budding actress in LA as it is and still several educational choices for you as well."

"I promise, Los Angeles for sure," Quinn said with a bright smile when Rachel turned the board around to show her. "I love you, Rachel."

Rachel beamed. "I love you, too."

...

"Quinn! Quinn!" Rachel bounced up the stairs into Beth's bedroom where Quinn was on the floor with the tiny blonde. Beth was putting shapes into a cube and Quinn was smiling happily at her daughter until she looked up and saw Rachel's face.

"What is it, sweetie?" Quinn ran her fingers through Beth's hair and Rachel saw the worried look as she held on tight to the thick envelope.

"I…I got in. UCLA, I got in!" Rachel thrust out the envelope that bore the University of California - Los Angeles seal in the corner. "We're going to Los Angeles!"

Quinn blinked a few times and Rachel's excitement dropped as the blonde shook her head.

"Can we talk about it later, Rach?"

Rachel swallowed hard and nodded. She had hoped the reaction wouldn't be what it had been with NYU and Northwestern. Quinn had promised that UCLA would be the best bet, that Los Angeles would have a bright future for the three of them. Rachel knew she shouldn't have expected anything more than what she'd previously received. But she loved Quinn and Quinn had told her over and over again that she loved her, too, and all she wanted was for the three of them to be together.

A few hours later Puck came and took Beth for the weekend and Rachel's dads were on overnight shifts at the hospital. As soon as Quinn shut the front door she turned to face her girlfriend and shook her head.

"I don't think we should go to LA."

"Quinn…you…you promised."

"You don't get it, do you, Rachel?"

"I would if you'd explain it."

"You won't make it." Quinn crossed her arms over her chest and steeled her look. "There are thousands of people in that city that are looking to make it. You really think that you have a shot? You have no chance in hell, Rachel. Why would you want to go if you have no chance of making it?"

"Quinn that's…that's very harsh. I have the talent, I have the will…I promise I can make a good life for you and Beth."

Quinn scoffed. "You don't have the connections. How can you promise something like that? You'll only end up hurting us, you know? I'm staying in Lima, I don't want my daughter to get hurt by you and your insane notion that you think you can make it. Go on if you want but I'm staying here."

Rachel shook her head and cautiously wrapped her arms around her girlfriend. "You're just afraid! It's okay if you're afraid, Quinn. I'm scared, too. Los Angeles is a long way from home and it'll take some getting adjusted to but in time I think you'll see that…"

Quinn pulled away. "I'm staying here. If you love me…if you love _us_ then you'll get your head out of the clouds and think about getting a real job."

Rachel wanted so desperately to be loved that she did it. She stayed in Lima. She stayed with the girl that promised her love and devotion. She had promise Quinn that she'd love her forever and she intended to keep that promise and she had to prove it. So she enrolled in OSU-Lima and her dads got her a part time job at the hospital. Because she wanted to pursue a degree in theater she had to drive almost two hours to Columbus twice a week to take classes but she knew it would be worth it. She loved Quinn and Quinn loved her. It would be worth it.

...

The idea struck Rachel one night when she and Quinn were curled up in bed together. She knew it would be a fantastic plan and give Quinn plenty of time to prepare for the future. She immediately pried herself out from the blonde's grip and sat on her bedroom floor with a flashlight to begin re-arranging things.

"Rachel?" Quinn's sleepy and slightly panicked voice broke the brunette away from her task.

"I'm right here, Quinn. Are you alright?"

"I didn't know where you were," the blonde mumbled. "Come back to bed, baby."

"Just a few more minutes, I'm almost finished."

"Rachel, you know I can't sleep without you."

Rachel nodded. It was true, Quinn never slept well on nights Rachel had to work at the hospital. She understood, humans fell into patterns and liked to stick with those patterns. Rachel abandoned her storyboard and climbed back into bed and into the embrace of her lover.

The next morning she quickly finished up the storyboard and showed Quinn what she had been working on.

"Look! It allows for us to move just before Beth starts kindergarten!" Rachel pointed to the timeline. "We can transfer for our last year of college. This gives us plenty of time to plan what needs to be planned and save up in case of any emergencies. It's absolutely flawless, Quinn. By then I'll have a little acting experience under my belt and whether we move to Los Angeles or New York we'll have plenty of time for me to find a job. I can make it, Quinn. I want to make it for you and for Beth. We can do this."

Quinn smiled and Rachel saw it as a genuine smile, nothing fake behind it. The blonde nodded and Rachel kissed her girlfriend. She knew Quinn loved her.

...

Kathryn was different, Rachel noticed. She was in most of her theater classes and although she looked rather unapproachable, she was very nice and very open. Rachel was drawn to her. The young woman had un-naturally bright red hair and her nose was pierced as well as her eyebrow. She had several tattoos and Rachel wondered what the girl was doing in theater classes.

"I want to be a director," Kathryn had told Rachel over lunch. "I figure I should see how things work on stage as well as behind the scenes, you know? Get all the perspectives."

Rachel smiled and nodded and talked about her life with Quinn and how they were going to move to Los Angeles. Kathryn would always furrow her eyebrows when Rachel talked about the blonde's resistance when she'd first been accepted to universities.

"Rachel…she's not going to go."

Rachel scoffed. "Of course she is. She loves me. I'm doing this for her and she'll do that for me. She loves me."

"She's…possessive. She won't let it happen. She'll find an excuse, Rachel."  
The brunette shook her head. "She loves me."

The months went on and Rachel worked hard at her job and harder in her classes. She got closer with Kathryn and considered her one of her best friends. Rachel was glad to have a friend outside of the almost non-existent circle she had. Quinn, however, was not impressed. Especially when Rachel wanted to make unscheduled trips to Columbus for drinks or lunch over the summer.

"I love you," Quinn growled. "I'm your best friend, Rachel. Why am I not enough? Why do you always have to go to her? Why can't you talk to me?"

"You're more than enough, baby," Rachel sighed. "I love you, you know that. We just like to have lunch, is all."

Rachel canceled the lunch date that day and spent it instead trying to convince Quinn that the blonde was her best friend, and that she wasn't going to leave her.

...

"Sweetie," Kathryn sighed, "you can't do this to yourself anymore. You're better than that."

It was the week after the canceled lunch date, Rachel lied to Quinn and told her she needed to go to Columbus for a workshop that was required for one of her classes. Instead she was sitting on Kathryn's couch.

"She's just afraid…You don't understand. Everyone she's ever loved has left her in some brutal way. The father of her child left after high school and hasn't been seen or heard from since. Her parents threw her out, her relationship with her newly divorced mother is rocky at best, all of her other friends are gone…she just needs to know I'm there for her."

"She's controlling you."

"No, she isn't."

"Are you happy, Rachel?"

"I love her."

Kathryn sighed. "That wasn't my question."

"Quinn is my happiness. If she's happy, I'm happy."

"No, you're not."

Rachel stared down at Kathryn's coffee table. "Do you have anything to drink?"

"You really think getting drunk is going to solve this?"

"I just need to forget for a little while."

"We'll go out, then."

And that was what started it. Rachel and Kathryn went out, Rachel savored the burn of the alcohol and found herself in the embrace of a woman who was whispering to her how beautiful she was and how much she wanted her.

The brunette awoke to the sound of her phone going off. She replayed the events of the night before in her head and hated herself for not feeling guilty. There was a blonde next to her in bed but it wasn't Quinn. Rachel grabbed her clothes and her phone and snuck out. She checked her phone, there were 20 missed calls and twice that many texts. She sighed and called her girlfriend.

"Kathryn and I had to review the material from the workshop," Rachel lied. "I fell asleep on her couch, I'm so sorry Quinn. I'm so sorry…I'm coming home right now, I promise."

Rachel stopped at a truck stop on the way back and used their showers to get rid of any sign of the night. She greeted Quinn with a kiss and a bouquet of daisies and even more apologies and more lies. She didn't go to Columbus at all for the next fall semester. She kept the affair to herself but thought of it often…and never once felt guilty.

The next spring she resumed her theater classes. Kathryn had thought she'd fallen off the face of the Earth but was excited to have her back. Rachel lied to Quinn about her schedule. Really, she only had to be in Columbus from noon until five but she said she'd picked up a late class. Late class consisted of finding a bar, a woman, and a hookup before she went home.

When the spring play came around Rachel auditioned and got a minor role. She told Quinn she had to stay in Columbus the week before the show for the intense rehearsals. That was mostly true but the rehearsals were usually done by eight and Rachel was at a bar by eight-thirty and in bed with someone by ten. She'd stumble into Kathryn's apartment in the morning and the redhead would sigh and fix her a cup of coffee.

"You really love her?"

"I can't leave her," Rachel mumbled as she sipped the scalding hot coffee. "She needs me."

"I'm going to LA this summer. I want you to come with me."

"I can't."

"Yes you can. You can leave her."

"She loves me."

Rachel helped Kathryn pack up her boxes at the end of the summer. She wished her friend the best of luck and watched her drive away. Rachel headed back to Lima and into the arms of Quinn who seemed a little happier ever since the brunette told her the redhead was leaving. Rachel pulled everything off of her bulletin board that night and burned it all.

...

Quinn found out about it all when Rachel left her phone with the woman she was flirting with while she went to the bathroom. When she got home late that night, Quinn was waiting for her.

"I've known," Quinn said with a shrug. "But you love me, don't you? You love me and you'll always come back to me?"

Rachel looked down at the floor. "I love you."

It was strange how Quinn was alright with the affairs but anytime Rachel mentioned a friend or making a connection with someone the blonde went off the wall. She would yell for hours about how Rachel was going to leave her, just like everyone else had. How Rachel was just like Puck and her parents and never cared about her and never loved her. Rachel would just knock back a few shots of whiskey and take it.

They moved into their own apartment the summer they were supposed to move to Los Angeles. Another year went by and Rachel barely managed to graduate with her degree, Quinn settled for an associate's.

The blonde constantly alienated anyone that dared get close to her lover. So Rachel would drink. And she'd cheat relentlessly. But because Quinn was the only one that promised love, she went back to her. If there was one thing Rachel had wanted more than stardom, it was to be loved. To be really, honestly loved. And she thought she had that. Quinn had promised her she'd always love her.

xxxxx

Rachel sat up out of Quinn's embrace, gasping for air when they hit her. Words that Quinn had cried into her shoulder shortly after Beth was born about how her mother had kicked her alcoholic, cheating father out of the house. Rachel realized that Quinn had chosen all she'd ever known. Whatever was left in the contents of her stomach ended up in the toilet only moments later. After she rinsed her mouth she quietly pulled her suitcase out of the closet and started packing her things.

The next morning she sat on the couch with her bags at her feet, Quinn next to her.

"I can't do this to you anymore," Rachel said. "And I can't let you do it to me, either."

"I'll come with you! Rachel, please! Just…give me some time to save…"

Rachel shook her head. "No you won't. I…I can't do this anymore. We're your parents, don't you get it?" She snapped her head to look at the sullen blonde. "I'm not going to drag you through this anymore."

"I love you…"

Rachel cupped Quinn's cheek and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. "I love you, too. And that's why I'm leaving. Call your mother, please? I don't want you to be alone in this."

"I can't do this without you, Rachel. I can't…"

Rachel stood. "Yes you can." She grabbed her bags and headed out the door, turning back to see Quinn staring at the table. She opened her mouth to speak once more but couldn't so she pulled her bags out the door and shut it. After the door slammed she pulled her phone out of her pocket and dialed.

"Hello?"

"Hey Kathryn, it's Rachel. I'm coming to LA."

_**The End**_.


End file.
